09:55, 28/11/2005

Transpocalypse: smells like victory

die, thong of evil!
Die, thong of evil! It's been cutting me in half all day...

It was Transpocalypse I this weekend. The inaugural UK tranny bloggers' social organised by Becky and based on an original diagram by Siobhan. This is what I remember...

12:37, Saturday 26th November, 2005

Train departs London Euston. Full of screaming kids. Hot air on full blast all the time. Can't breathe. Screaming kids!

booze: Gin & Tonic (buffet car). Water. Is water technically booze? It is now.
food: half a Chicken Caesar wrap bought at Euston. Too much mayo. Gah. Leave rest in seatback pocket.

14:10

Train due into Birmingham New Street. Train actually still somewhere near Coventry.

14:25

Arrived. Walk out of station and straight up into some sort of shopping mall hell FULL of Christmas shoppers. Not good.

Panicky sounding Siobhan phones: "Where are you??" By now, have somehow managed to emerge from the mall down some huge ramp full of people, crushing toes with my luggage.

She's by a taxi rank. I'm by a taxi rank. They're two completely different taxi ranks.

Struggle back up into the mall and wrestle my way back to the station. The exit was right in front of me but had been led by stream of people into hell mall. Doh. Birmingham confusing.

14:40

Siobhan is hungover. Very hungover. Don't feel too clever myself. Siobhan worried that in drunken blogging mistake she might have called someone coming tonight a c**t. Mustn't blog drunk. Mustn't blog drunk...

14:55

Somehow we find hotel. Everything is peach coloured. Especially walls.

Hotel's tagline says: Ibis Hotels: You'll never want to stay anywhere else. May not be 100% truth. Room small. Double bed. Both admit to snoring and apologise in advance.

Siobhan produces bottle of wine. Things looking up. Start to unpack. Looking-upness short lived. In packing panic have somehow managed to FORGET MY WIG!!

Now faced with quandary. Butch dyke look or emeregency wig shopping?

Decide on latter. Becky calls. Have arrived and are in room below us. Get lost finding stairs. Hotel is a maze.

Begin to suspect tagline should be: Ibis Hotels: You'll never leave".

15:10

Find Becky and Jane's room. Becky has been shopping already and has bought skirt (River Is.) and sweater (H&M) Siobhan and I marvel at such derring do.

They are FOLDING CLOTHES AND PUTTING THEM ON SHELVES!!

I'll say that again. They are FOLDING CLOTHES AND PUTTING THEM ON SHELVES!!

While Siobhan and I have been in our room barely 5 minutes and it looks like bombsite. Need booze. Becky suggests meet up at 18:30 in hotel bar for meal at 19:30.

15:20

Hotel bar. Ahhhh. Order wine. Large ones.

Joanna walks in. Figured we'd be in a place with booze. Knows us well. Discuss wigs, George Best. Becky and Jane join us. Starting to get dark. Chinese restaurant just across road. Club for later just round corner. Sounds feasible in pointy hurty shoes.

booze: Merlot (2 large glasses)

16:10

post transpocalypseWig time. Becky has told us of Afro Caribbean hairdresser and wig boutique on hotel street corner. Terrifically handy and in panic mode buy nice brunette wig with chestnut streaks. Little pricy but hey, panic mode...

16:25

Siobhan and Miss K hit the Bullring. Objective: MAC counter at Selfridges. Have only tiny amount of emergency Clinique foundation left. So need MAC.

16:45

Can't find MAC (not trying very hard). Bullring is like a building in Second Life. We walk around counting prims. Siobhan is peckish and buys two spinach pakoras in Selfridges food hall.

I've in a boozy way come to trust in my emergency foundation. All is well... All is well...

17:15

Return to hotel. Over an hour to get ready. No problem! Phone rings. Kim and Ian have arrived. Yay!

They come to our room bearing Freixenet Cava, a half bottle of vodka and a corkscrew for Siobhan's wine...

18:15

...Siobhan is still only half dressed and has lost her second hold up.

I am still dressed in boy clothes and have only done nails and shaved.

Kim and Ian are watching some sort of German Pop Idol type show.

18:30 is looking optimistic...

booze: red wine, Cava. Quantity unknown...

19:15

Feel shabby and rushed as we swish into the hotel bar, which is full of trannies and a few bemused looking residents. Not only do I feel rushed and under-completed, but my low rise jeans are so low that as soon as I sit down, they whoosh down so far that my WHOLE BUM slips neatly out.

Jo takes a look, sucks in air like a car mechanic and advises I wear my wide wooly scarf as a belt for the rest of the evening.

Talk with Rachel and friend and get to know Kim better, but details are hazy by thie stage...

booze: Merlot (large glass, necked down in five minutes)

19:55

Totter across road, pleasantly drunk, towards Chinese restaurant. We stop traffic. Fear and awe. My pointy shoes are hurty!

??:??

Meal passes in a hazy haze. Nice to meet people who I've only seen virtually in the blogsphere. SIobhan and I get through two bottles of Rioja (the second kindly bought by Mr Betteridge). Deteriorating quite rapidly now.

Remember talking to April, whose work I love and possibly insulting her by comparing her to Martin Parr (who I also love). And a brief exchange with Gemma across the table and photo op with Steph Angel.

But I felt incredibly shy and so mostly I stuck in a comfort zone of Siobhan, Ian and Kim whom I know best.

Siobhan had also asked me to hit her if she got too insulting or shouty so stuck close to her :p

But she's OK. I think eating the rose sedated her.

booze: approx. 1 bottle of Rioja
food: very nice, though had chicken wrapped in lettuce disaster when the parcel exploded all over me and table. And there I was thinking I was the Oriental one.

????

Time to club. My feet hurt so much. Correction. Don't hurt at all as I can no longer feel them.

birminghamDecide it's time to change. Siobhan and I return to room where I slip on thigh high boots ensemble. Then have dangerous moment when we almost go to sleep.

Luckily several people phone us and we stagger to club with April and Angela who've waited for us in the lobby.

Big gay place called The Nightingale. Not really my kind of place, but I neck a couple of shorts and have a boogie, though gusset of fishnets is forming annoying web below. Also have a brief chat with Charlotte, who is incredibly kind about the Six Inch Killaz stuff I'm currently writing about.

Pull a short bald bloke but send him on his way. Meanwhile Siobhan is having full on liplocking sesh with April and Angela on sofa in front of bar. "Great", I think. Will get bed to self...

Leave soon after with Kim and Ian.

booze: 2 x rum and coke

?????

Fall asleep in my full outfit and make-up. After a swig or two of red wine.

z
zzzzzzzzzzzz

Sometime afterwards, I hear knock. Siobhan back. Surprised, but we talk a while (a load of bollocks) and then go to sleep.

I snore. She doesn't. Sorry Siobhan.

booze: yes.

08:30

Wake up. Feel shabby.

The wine bottle that was three quarters full is now empty.

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