OMG, like, make-up tips!

I once bravely declared sometime in the prehistory of my old non-blog site that Miss K's draGnet would contain "no make up tips". I think that was actually the tagline once. Quite apart from the fact that "transgendered z-list celebrity" is actually a much better and more satisfying tagline, I now ironically find myself giving you some make-up tips. Must be my advanced age. Those brain cells never come back, you know...

Er.. Where was I...? Oh yes. So this is how Miss K is constructed. Pay attention at the back please.

1. BaseAARGH. OK, the sensitive may want to avert their eyes now. This (→) is where it starts. The blank canvas. Virgin territory. The undiscovered country. Tabula rasa. The hideous truth. Fear and Awe. Steptoe and Son. No it's not safe to look yet...

So, at this stage you will already have cleansed, toned, moisturised, shaved closely and plucked the brows. You can't make a girlie girl out of a dirty, hairy monkey.

Enticing though that idea is.

2. FaceIf there's one thing to splurge money on, it's foundation (→). Make up is expensive and it's tempting to skimp on cost. By all means buy cheap eye makeup and lip stuff, but never short change yourself on your face. There's nothing worse than your face falling off during an evening out. Except perhaps your face falling off during an evening out with Michael Winner. I normally use MAC Full Coverage, which is great. Matt, opaque and dries like a coat of plaster.

For these photos, though, I used a nice one by Clinique, called Superbalanced Makeup which is really great, slightly translucent and it blots oil which is helpful for me with my greasy skin. It's not industrial like the MAC one but feels really light and nice on.

For added consistency, apply two coats with a coat of powder in between. You'll never get it off. Powder wise I prefer Clinique's impressive Superpowder. It works!

3. EyesSo now (→) it's time for some smoky eyes. I use cheap eye makeup - usually just 17 from Boots - I don't find it benefits me to spend loads on expensive eye slap.

I start off by brushing on black eyeshadow. You should always have black eyeshadow. It's your friend. For the smoky look, go for it. Slap loads on, under the eyes as well. Use a trowel. Spend a while to blend it out so that you have a nice feathered edge, not too hard. Blending is your friend, just like black shadow.

4. HighlightsNext (→), I like to do a bit of sculpting on the eyes. I selectively blend in some midnight blue shadow around the edges, then use some white shadow on the upper lid to create some lustre. Blend well. Blending is everything. A cotton bud comes in useful here. I also dust some of the white on the bony part under the eyebrows. I wipe a bit of hair gel on the eyebrows to sleek them down and make sure they keep their shape, and finish off with some black liquid liner to outline the eyes and some dark blue waterproof mascara, two coats. This stuff is all from Boots 17.

5. LipsI like to splurge a little on lipstick. With smoky eyes, pale lips (→) work really well, and here I used Pervette, a lovely two tone pink shade from MAC. Great shade name too. And the matching nail polish is great. With lips, I do the opposite of what most people say and lip pencil an outline afterwards. Dunno why. Maybe I'm backwards. Make sure the shades of lipstick and pencil aren't too different - the pencil should be marginally darker - or you'll end up looking like a Neapolitan hooker (well, you may want to do that, I dunno). Two coats of lipstick, blot in between and after. Done.

Like black eyeshadow, clear lipgloss is your friend too. I use Boots 17 again. Cheap and effective, finally a bit of blusher - careful as you don't want to look like you've been slapped. On the cheekbones, not below. And you're done (↓):

the results!

Next: how to put up shelves and assembling a simple root irrigation system out of egg boxes and pipe cleaners.

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